I just recieve a message from someone who is very close to me. I knew what is going to happen since 3 months back but I didn’t feel much then but now when i got the message from her, a happy message… I feel sad, i never feel so sad for a long time already. I wanted to hide my feeling in front of my classmates but this time round, i cant.. i just cant put a persona anymore.

She is someone who is not even blood related to me. My sister. I don’t know, but what i know now is that i cannot afford to lose someone who is close to me..Sometimes when I am feeling sad and down, she is one of the first person i can talk to without any barrier. Haiz, I am going to miss this sister of mine. The feeling isn’t good. She is going for 4-8 years.. I know we can still contact and talk to each other through skype, msn but the feeling seriously.. Awww really feel sucky

Wishing her all the best when she is in Aus.

Everytime i think of my parents leaving me ( they die ), I am very scare. Very very scare. I know I am not the only guy in the whole world where the parents will eventually die but I just dread the feeling.

I learnt not to trust people easily. I learnt ( and still learning ) how to keep your cards and be sure not to show out everyting to everyone. Even to classmates, friends. You do not know what they have under their smile sometimes. They can act to help you but eventually backstab you. This is very tiring. I am very tired sometimes. There is only 1 person I can trust. I can really tell everything to. But slowly, he is drifting away from me. ( It might just be my imagination ), he will have more friends which might treat him better than i do. ( I am angry at him sometimes for no reason ). Evenually he will have his girlfriend. I don’t mind. I just want to have the feeling that I have someone to rely on if anything happen. Everytime he calls me kor, i felt relieved because he treats me like his family members. Again and again, he re-assured me, i can go to him if i am alone but sometimes, i see no point to. I dunno why. Calling me “kor” is simple but his action is another thing. It might appear that he “needs” me but in fact, i am the one who needs him more.

I indulge myself in alot of projects and work. Working and working and endless working will make me forget of everything sometimes. This, in return, made me more tired. That day, i “accidently” spilled out my feelings to Ronnie and Danielle, they sugggested that I should grab the chance and go out with my family more often. I know but sometimes I just cant bring myself to do it. I dunno why. The last family dinner we have together is 2-3 years ago? ( In the past 5 years, we had 2 ). Sometimes being with them makes me think how it will feel when I am alone. Damn. But i need to do something about it.

In the past, when I go to Wushu, I feel more relax, i feel like i got nothing to do. I feel … just very relax. I will forget about things which I worry. But now, when I go back wushu, i have one more worry. I am afraid to tear my ACL, MCL, MM, LM again. Its so painful… Damn I am scare already. When an athlete is scare, he cant break his limit anymore. When I go back wushu. I am scare coaches will scold me for not trying my best. Well I don’t dare to. I am timid. I am lousy but I do not want to them. Thats why i avoid wushu now BUT then again wushu my only form of relaxation have became my worry now.

I like to look at kids. Why? cause they always have they do something wrong or do not want anything or when they want a thing, what they do is just to cry. Simple.. Cry. When i feel their innocent smile. I always wish I can be like them. I know I cant but I am just trying hard to “appreciate” it and imagine I am one of them.

I SHOULD FIND A GIRLFRIEND SOON SO I WILL NOT BE ALONE ANYMORE. I WANT THE FEELING TO LOVE SOMEONE AND TO BE LOVED.

Why am I posting this to show everyone how lousy I am? No one will be reading this anyway.

This is the last photo which I took with my family.

After so long…. its the first time I see my dad’s cry.

They are finally back after so long. To be honest, I miss them. Wufang is VERY empty without them. When you walk in the MRT station, you will not be expecting Ren Zoe at the Cheers. When you walk along the path towards Wufang, you will not be expecting students playing basketball. Everything is totally different without them…

It feels so bad, cruel, ugly and worst painful to be lonely and loneliness SUCKS. I am the only child of my family. Lets face it, if you are not strong enough, there will be no friends beside you. If you are not strong, the coach will not appreciate you no matter how hard you try.

My parents will die one day, they married late and they are very old now. They may not be able to see me marry, they may not be able to see their grandson. If they are gone, I cannot imagine the pain I will have to undergo. I have already lost 2 persons who are 2nd closet to me after my parents and give me strength in several occasions. They have only 1 son too and I can really see the pain of him when his mother died. He may be a grown up earning a lot of money but I believe his sadness will never go away. He is lonely too, I know.

It is very stressful….. I cannot afford to lose in studies, wushu and everything I have. I tried to put on that smile everytime even when I am sadden by situtaion. I mustn’t let anyone even people who I don’t know worry me, think I am weak, think that I am not strong enough. I have to fight to win for everything to make them happy.

Sometimes, you have an opinion yet you don’t dare to voice out, why? I am forced to agree with people’s decisions and live with it or rather it is my own decision to live with it. If you don’t live with their decision sometimes, you may be seen as a weak person.

I have no siblings to talk your heart with.  I am all alone, lonely all the while since I am young. What are forever friendship? Are there even such things? At primary school when I was young, me and my ‘best’ friend vowed that we will never leave each other as friends and for that reason I treat him as my brother, my everything, I tell him all the things I know. Because I have no siblings, I really take him as my brother. Yet he betrayed me on that very day…. that fateful day. I never trust eternal friendship anymore.  Anyway ever since we started out own respective secondary school life, we never talk to each other again. When we met each other, we will just walk different way.

Now at Secondary school, I met with another guy who knows me pretty well or rather, he knows my everything since Secondary 2 as well.. is there such things as eternal friendship? Haha, lets wait and see. The person who I am referring to will know who I am referring to, i guess.

So what has Wufang do with this? Because I felt that loneliness that I feared the last week. I can always follow them to Beijing if I want, but I have to take care of my parents and my “o” levels are coming. It is not worth losing that o level battle, for the time being. My parents are not on good terms for the last 6 months already though I know they will never devoice (spelling mistake?) but it hurts me seeing my house turning to what it is now. ( In case any misunderstanding here, they do talk a lot to each other but I can see that they are not on good terms. )

Today, 2 persons passed me something to me that they bought from Beijing, I am really touched… someone cares about me and thinks for me. I know my parents does that but the feeling is different. I don’t think they will ever see this but I really thank them. When *he* told me that *he* is going to get me a gift passing to someone there who will pass to me, I am also very happy as well and that feeling is just weird, simply put happy….although I never received it.

Why has it to be like this, why am I the only child…….why…. I don’t want to lose everything just on 1 night which “he” did when he lose his mother and I really don’t want that night to come… I will be alone….. alone to face it and is there eternal friendship?

After a lot people who I knew had fallen sick, its now my turn who is sick. It all started on Thursday night when my throat is a bit sore and the next day morning which is yesterday. I feel very sick but I still went to school. The 2 periods I have is all in Air-Con room and this is a nightmare. Me, Hong Wei and Benjamin then went to eat and I really have no energy to even finish eating it. I have a lot trouble even to walk back home with them.

When I reach home, I am really too weak and tired so I slept but I cannot even sleep well. My whole body is so hot and tired then I ‘woke up’ later without getting any sleep. I stayed in toilet for a while and I vomitted 4 tmes in there. I didn’t even manage to sleep well last night. The feeling is really bad…

I have no energy to type any further.. cya.