Everytime i think of my parents leaving me ( they die ), I am very scare. Very very scare. I know I am not the only guy in the whole world where the parents will eventually die but I just dread the feeling.
I learnt not to trust people easily. I learnt ( and still learning ) how to keep your cards and be sure not to show out everyting to everyone. Even to classmates, friends. You do not know what they have under their smile sometimes. They can act to help you but eventually backstab you. This is very tiring. I am very tired sometimes. There is only 1 person I can trust. I can really tell everything to. But slowly, he is drifting away from me. ( It might just be my imagination ), he will have more friends which might treat him better than i do. ( I am angry at him sometimes for no reason ). Evenually he will have his girlfriend. I don’t mind. I just want to have the feeling that I have someone to rely on if anything happen. Everytime he calls me kor, i felt relieved because he treats me like his family members. Again and again, he re-assured me, i can go to him if i am alone but sometimes, i see no point to. I dunno why. Calling me “kor” is simple but his action is another thing. It might appear that he “needs” me but in fact, i am the one who needs him more.
I indulge myself in alot of projects and work. Working and working and endless working will make me forget of everything sometimes. This, in return, made me more tired. That day, i “accidently” spilled out my feelings to Ronnie and Danielle, they sugggested that I should grab the chance and go out with my family more often. I know but sometimes I just cant bring myself to do it. I dunno why. The last family dinner we have together is 2-3 years ago? ( In the past 5 years, we had 2 ). Sometimes being with them makes me think how it will feel when I am alone. Damn. But i need to do something about it.
In the past, when I go to Wushu, I feel more relax, i feel like i got nothing to do. I feel … just very relax. I will forget about things which I worry. But now, when I go back wushu, i have one more worry. I am afraid to tear my ACL, MCL, MM, LM again. Its so painful… Damn I am scare already. When an athlete is scare, he cant break his limit anymore. When I go back wushu. I am scare coaches will scold me for not trying my best. Well I don’t dare to. I am timid. I am lousy but I do not want to them. Thats why i avoid wushu now BUT then again wushu my only form of relaxation have became my worry now.
I like to look at kids. Why? cause they always have they do something wrong or do not want anything or when they want a thing, what they do is just to cry. Simple.. Cry. When i feel their innocent smile. I always wish I can be like them. I know I cant but I am just trying hard to “appreciate” it and imagine I am one of them.
I SHOULD FIND A GIRLFRIEND SOON SO I WILL NOT BE ALONE ANYMORE. I WANT THE FEELING TO LOVE SOMEONE AND TO BE LOVED.
Why am I posting this to show everyone how lousy I am? No one will be reading this anyway.
This is the last photo which I took with my family.